Be your best self.
I want to dump my resume here, but I don’t think that matters as much as my heart. So I’ll share that the reason I started the Divorce Doula family law coaching company is because I got frustrated that the legal system is just not enough for the average person going through a divorce or custody proceeding.
As an attorney I started reaching out to other professionals- counselors/ therapists, financial professionals, realtors, mortgage brokers, and more. It saddened me when my litigating clients didn’t reach out to these other professionals. So I reached out to The Kitchen Table with the expectation that I could mold myself to help my clients better.
In the process of working through TKT’s life coaching course, I met up with Michelle, who I had known as a person who takes care of herself- we would run into each other around town at yoga, farmers market, and for after work functions. We realized we could build out a whole program for persons going through divorce or custody proceedings and we got to work doing so.
This is me and my son Christopher on July 23, 2018. I took this baby to work with me when he was 10 days old. I remember being so proud of myself for having a law firm to go back to, and I remember being so hopeful to show this baby that his mom can take care of him and also take care of her clients.
There’s another side to my story too- a little graphic and very personal.
Here goes: I’ve always known I wanted to be a mom and it didn’t matter how—birth, adoption, mentorship, whatever. So when I found out my husband and I were pregnant with my first child in 2017, I started reading all the right books- Allyson Downey’s book Here’s the Plan, Lori Bregman’s book Mindful Mom to Be, Emily Oster’s book Expecting Better, and some feel-goods like Mama Natural and Like A Mother. These books helped me personally on my motherhood journey- I carried that baby past full term to 40+6 and birthed him at a birth center near our home at 12:45am on a Friday the 13th.
To reach the point of having an out-of-hospital labor and delivery takes work! I had to get professionals lined up- the midwife, the doula, my therapist, a postpartum doula (aka. nanny so I could go back to work at 2 weeks postpartum- small business life, I know, and lawyer life where the courts have absolutely no awareness about a lawyer’s ability to practice law unless the lawyer is literally in the courtroom), and a cleaning lady. I had to have tough conversations with my husband and my mother about why I didn’t want to use a hospital. I knew it was the best thing for me, for my reasons.
After the birth experience and as I was watching this infant grow into a toddler, I could tell I was changing as a person, trying to bring more emotional awareness to my legal clients and trying to keep my household as balanced as possible to set a good example to my son.
When I found out my husband and I were pregnant (again!) in 2019, I felt like I had done great work reading all of the above books and I re-read Mindful Mom to Be (because it’s amazing!).
Then March 2020 happened.
And I was so grateful I didn’t have a hospital birth planned. This 2nd pregnancy was healthy and baby wanted to use the birth center again.
What else was closed in March 2020? The Louisiana courts! And my pitiful pregnant heart almost burst because I wanted to be sure all the people in rough marriages were able to confirm their divorces and get out. But the courts were not open! I felt helpless because I was just an attorney.
Then I realized: I am a goddamn attorney!
I can create a practice that does not require me to go to court. I tried that (and I’m still trying that) but it didn’t take really well in my community or with the laws as they’re written right now (here’s to hoping for some collaborative divorce laws to hit Louisiana books in the next few years!). In the process of trying to not go to court, I read some great books: The Collaborative Way to Divorce, Collaborative Divorce, It Doesn’t Have to Be That Way, and The New Rules to Divorce.
This reading session, completed in large part during my pregnant quarantine, combined with all the literature I soaked up during the first pregnancy, led me to have a unique set of knowledge.
I know how life-changing the birth of a child is. I know how life-changing going through a divorce or custody proceeding is.
I have unique knowledge, by reading (and by experiencing!), the combination of human birth and singlehood birth. They’re very similar. Not the same. But very similar.
To finish the birth story of that 2020 birth- yes, I was able to deliver at the birth center and I evicted that little dude 3 hours before his due date (thank you Senna Tea!). Again, I had a team of birth professionals- midwife, doula, therapist/counselor, post partum doula, and cleaning lady.
To this day I thank my husband profusely for budgeting to allow priority to be given to these professionals (aka. paying off less than we wanted on credit cards for a while, not meeting our tax max for retirement savings, and meal planning better to save money).
Back to baby birth v. singlehood birth: They are similar because they are life changing and are very personal.
They are similar because you have to talk with your close family about what’s going on and it will for sure impact your kids. They are similar because it is for sure easier and feels less vulnerable somehow to talk with a third party who is not related to you.
Both are hard to control- baby has a mind of its own and can make birth complicated very quickly and easily, especially things like wrapped cord or heart rate changes. Mama’s body may have its own complications, especially things like group B strep at the last minute. When going through a divorce or custody proceeding, there is truly no way to control the other party. Last minute drop off/ pick up or schedule changes are to be expected, as unsettling and frustrating as they can be.