Reining Gottman’s Four Horsemen
Who is Gottman?
Dr. John Gottman is at the forefront of research in couples. It was at his lab that couples research began, in the 1970s when psychology struggled to find reliable personality patterns in the individual, and thus assumed that couple patterns would be just as inconsistent. However, Gottman and his colleagues proved this assumption wrong.
At the core of Dr. John Gottman’s original research was exploring whether there are patterns of behavior or styles of interaction that distinguish happy couples from unhappy couples. Once Gottman and his colleagues developed the methodology to study sequences of interaction, which involved using a “talk table,” in which people could interact and rate how positive or negative their intentions were, and how positive or negative were the impacts of the messages they received, they did indeed discover the consistent interaction patterns they were looking for.
In 1975 Gottman paired up with Robert Levenson and discovered that the stability of interaction styles in couples was enormous over time (about 80% stability in conflict-style discussions across 3 years). Additionally, they discovered that 69% of relationship problems are “perpetual,” based on personality differences between partners. (learn more at https://www.gottman.com/about/research/couples/). These findings replicated across seven longitudinal studies (the study of the same individuals across a period of time), predicting whether a couple would divorce with an average of over 90% accuracy. Part of these studies included the observation of the Four Horsemen. Eventually, Levenson and Gottman could predict not only if a couple would divorce, but when. They found that couples who displayed the Four Horsemen divorced an average of 5.6 years after the wedding, while emotionally disengaged couples divorced an average of 16.2 years after the wedding.
From these findings, Gottman wrote the book Marital Interaction: Experimental Investigations, published in 1979, which includes chapters of the differences between well-functioning and poor-functioning marriages and the interaction style of couples, in regard to communication skill deficits, touching on the concept of social competence. Other books include The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, published in 1999 and What Predicts Divorce? The Relationship Between Marital Processes and Marital Outcomes, published in 2014.
Other research from Gottman’s labs include links between marital interaction, parenting, and children’s social development (with Lynn Katz in Illinois) which extended to the study of infants (with Alyson Shaprio in Washington), which you can learn more about at https://www.gottman.com/about/research/parenting/.
What are the Four Horsemen?
The Four Horsemen are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. It is important to emphasize that the horsemen are not just actions, but reactions, and sometimes to other horsemen. The order in which they are presented here is intentional, for criticism can lead to contempt, and defensiveness and stonewalling are a reaction to both.
Criticism is attacking or putting down your partner’s personality or character rather than the behavior itself, implying that something is wrong with the person. Criticism is different than offering critique or making a complaint, which are issue-specific. Criticism is just an attack on the other person, cutting to the core of their character in an attempt to dismantle their whole being. Criticism makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt which can lead to an escalating pattern of conflict where criticism reappears with greater and greater frequency and intensity, eventually leading to contempt.
Contempt is any verbal statement or nonverbal behavior that attacks your partner’s sense of self, intending to deeply insult or psychologically abuse them. When we communicate in this state, we are simply mean. We speak and act with disrespect, we mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. The goal of contempt is to make the other person feel despised and worthless, assuming moral superiority over them. Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the other person and is the single greatest predictor of divorce. Contempt can even lead to weakened immune systems and illness (colds, flu, etc.).
Defensiveness is usually a response to criticism; an attempt to protect yourself and your innocence, warding off a perceived attack. When we are defensive we might make excuses, match the accusation with a complaint, or halfway accept responsibility with a, “Yeah, but…”. These behaviors just tell our partner that we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes. While defensiveness is natural, especially when feeling stressed out and attacked, it will only escalate conflict because defensiveness is really just a way of turning the blame around, which doesn’t allow for healthy conflict management.
Stonewalling is usually a response to contempt and occurs when the listener withdraws, shuts down, and simply stops responding. Rather than confronting the issue at hand, the stonewaller will take evasive action such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors. Other common stonewall responses include the silent treatment, monosyllabic answers, or changing the subject. At the core of it, stonewalling is a reluctance to directly express what one is thinking or feeling but it can also be a result of feeling physiologically flooded. In this case, we stonewall because we are overwhelmed with negativity and not in the right state to discuss things rationally, so it can be an understandable escape. But it can become a bad habit and one that is not easy to change. An alternative to stonewalling would be stopping the discussion with a promise to return when you are calm and taking a 20 minute break to something physiologically soothing. We’ll discuss this more when we talk about the antidote to stonewalling.
What do we do when they show up?
While Gottman has researched and presented the Four Horsemen as predictors of divorce, it is important to remember that the appearance of conflict (with or without the horsemen) does not mean your relationship is doomed to fail. It is more importantly the management of conflict (not getting caught underneath the hooves of the horsemen) that predicts the success or failure of a relationship. Focusing on managing conflict rather than resolving conflict is functional for relationships, as it makes room for growth and understanding. In other words, conflict can be a good thing!
The first step to either avoiding the appearance of the four horsemen or dealing with their presence, preventing the poison they bring to healthy conflict and communication, is being able to identify them. Then, you must turn them around or replace them. Each horseman has an evidence-based set of positive behaviors that will counteract the negativity the horsemen bring to communication. These are known as the antidotes, which I like to look at as strategies for reining the horses, whether you are the one riding or the one at risk of being trampled, or maybe even when it is one horseman facing another.
The Antidote for Criticism. Try to identify the request, wish, and/or need behind the criticism and make these requests or issue-specific without blame and without “you” statements. Rather, gently walk up to a respectful request with, “I feel and therefore I need…” or “When X happened, I felt Y, I want Z.” Simply describe the issue, what you want, and how you feel without judgment of the other person. For example, let’s say the issue at hand is a late arrival home with no phone call. A critical response might be, “That’s awfully selfish of you to not call me and let me know that you were running late. In fact, you are always pretty selfish about your behavior, you never think about how other people are affected. This just shows me that you don’t ever think of or consider me.” A more pointed, complaint-based response might be, “Oh I’m glad you’re home, I got concerned when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought that we had agreed to communicate things like this. Can we try to do that for each other from here on out?”
The Antidote for Contempt. First, a mind shift is necessary, letting go of any unhelpful negative narratives going on in your head about the other person. Then, gain awareness of your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and try to understand what it is that you are really upset about or what the issue really is and then approach it with respect and appreciation. For example, you just got home from your night shift and noticed the sink was full of dishes. Rather than, “Really? You couldn’t bring yourself the dishes? You just got home and plopped down on the couch? Ugh. You’re lazy and pathetic” try, “I understand that you’ve been busy lately and I’m sure today was another exhausting one for you, but could you please remember to load the dishwasher when I work the night shift?” The former is based on a negative assumption about the other person’s character while the latter expresses understanding right off the bat, basically giving the other person the benefit of the doubt in why the dishes were left undone in a respectful request and a statement of appreciation. Being aware of and adjusting your inner dialogue about the other person even outside of conflict and regularly practicing appreciation and respect can build a sort of positivity that acts as a buffer for negative feelings and behaviors that might follow. In other words, the more you believe in the good of the other person (even if you have to trick yourself into it), the less likely you are to be contemptuous.
The Antidote for Defensiveness. Use active listening to confirm whether you are understanding correctly before you jump into defending yourself and once you do understand, validate what your partner is saying so that they feel heard. If you can get undefended you can take productive action such as accepting some responsibility, admitting to your role in conflict, and then work toward compromise or an action that you can take to resolve the issue. And of course, learn a lesson for later. Let’s say the question is, “Hey, did you call your parents to let them know when the kids are getting dropped off this weekend?”. Rather than responding, “Did I call my parents today? Of course not. I was way too busy. In fact, you know how busy I was because I told you last night what my day was going to be like today. You should’ve just done it yourself” try, “Oh, shoot. I completely forgot. I had such a busy day and I knew it was gonna be busy. I should’ve asked you to call this morning. Let me go do that right now.” The former admits no self-responsibility and instead reverses it. The latter expresses acceptance of responsibility, admission of fault, understanding of the other person’s perspective, and offers a soluble action.
The Antidote for Stonewalling. In conflict, it is important to self-assess for feelings of overwhelm. If there is overwhelm, tell the other person you need a break from the discussion but assure them that you will return to the conversation once you calm down a bit. When you do step away, do some physiological self-soothing and then prepare yourself to re-engage, once you have calmed down (which takes about 20-45 minutes). During this time, avoid thoughts of righteous indignation (e.g., “I don’t have to take this anymore) and innocent victimhood (“Why is he always picking on me?”). Again do anything soothing and distracting, so long as the activities calm you down. It is as simple as, “Please. Listen. I am feeling really, really worked up about this and can’t really think clearly. If we keep going like this we won’t get anywhere. I’m gonna step away for a minute and come back to this in a bit if that’s ok. I think it will be a lot easier to work through once I’ve calmed down”.
As usual, easier said than done! So be kind to yourself, as we can all say we have unleashed or have been trampled by one if not all of the horsemen. The key is being able to recognize each one as they appear, even under emotional upheaval or overwhelm and whether you bring it or it is brought up against you. Once you recognize it, you can rein it back in or counteract it by either engaging a more productive tactic or simply calling it by name (the horsemen hate this). Remember that the horsemen are coming from somewhere, set out for some particular reason, usually on behalf of someone. So don’t react to he who rides out. Rather, find out where he came from and address the issue that lies there.
Resources
https://www.gottman.com/about/research/couples/
https://www.gottman.com/about/research/parenting/
https://www.gottman.com/about/research/same-sex-couples/
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/
Marital Interaction: Experimental Investigations by Dr. John M. Gottman
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John M. Gottman
What Predicts Divorce? The Relationship Between Marital Processes and Marital Outcomes by Dr. John M. Gottman
