Interdisciplinary Collaborative Divorce
What is it?
Let’s break down the term “Interdisciplinary Collaborative Divorce”. “Interdisciplinary” refers to multiple professionals at work (attorneys, mental health professionals, child and family professionals, financial professionals, realtors, mortgage brokers, loan restructuring persons, coaches in any realm that you feel you need extra support, and so on). “Collaborative” refers to both parties (the two divorcing spouses) coming to the table with the intention to work together toward the highest good, with the goal of preserving money and family structure. When you put these two definitions together, at the forefront you have the divorcing persons working together for the best interest of themselves and their family, backed by a team of professionals for each aspect of their situation, all the way down to the personal.
How does it make a difference in the process of divorce?
Because (in Louisiana) you cannot get rid of the adversarial side of divorce where one person has to sue the other, divorce can commonly feel and be approached as war. But with collaborative divorce, you can at least feel like you’re not at war by having up front and open discussions with your partner while the professionals bolster you. When there is a child involved, and the adults are best helping themselves in this way with the resources and support that collaborative divorce offer, they are in turn helping their family and their child. It is still possible that there is still a miscommunication about the child’s best interest, but collaborative divorce allows the space (and again the resources and support) to be able to work together and treat the process of divorce like a business where the outcome is the best for the child. Generally, keeping tensions under control is beneficial for the child and the family. If this means massaging out those tensions in the space of collaborative divorce and not communicating otherwise (except about the day-to-day stuff around the child), then you can do that.
Will it save me money?
Collaborative divorce might sound expensive because of all these professionals you need to hire. But, in reality, you should be hiring all of these professionals anyway. Again, one specialized person for each and every aspect of your life and situation. Not only will this be personally beneficial to you, but it will actually save you money in the long run because having all of these professionals in place will reduce your attorney fees. They are alleviating work that lawyers would otherwise do, and at a higher rate. In addition, this alleviation will make the time spent with your attorney a lot more efficient and fruitful, if you have all of these other professionals helping you to get your stuff in line.
What about time?
Even with the collaborative process, remember those divorce laws in place. So no, your divorce will not move along faster going the collaborative way. However, if the parties are agreeing about things like custody and support or use and occupancy issues, these things can be put into place, effective immediately. In other words, divorce itself is on its own legislative timeline but the collaborative process can get you resolution for incidentals more quickly, per good communication and many different professionals putting their heads together,
Where does one begin with the process of collaborative divorce?
Collaborative divorce begins with open communication not only between you and your partner but between you and your lawyer. The clear statement of, “I want to get a divorce” or “I got served with divorce” and “I want to go about it collaboratively” needs to be made. With this, it is important to point out that serving versus being served are two different experiences. It is sometimes the case that the person that is suing the other has already processed a lot more than the person who is being served, and is ready to move forward. For some of the individuals on the other side of that, it takes a couple of months to get through the initial shock of being served and coping with feeling of being attacked, or feelings like, “How could this be so easy for my partner?” It is ok to take some time to process those feelings, settle down and settle in (a great opportunity to engage a mental health professional), and then start getting your team of professionals together when you are ready to begin moving forward.
What after that?
Well, every couple needs to move at their own pace, taking steps founded in solution-focused work. But no matter the individual, the first step is typically going to a lawyer, or going to a counselor. If the first step is going to a lawyer, who will listen for rumination on certain issues and any hesitations in moving forward, the lawyer will file for divorce to begin the legal untangling of the client from their spouse, and then check-in to establish whether the client has a counselor, and encourage them move in that direction if not to begin the personal side of untangling from their spouse.
If their first step is going to a counselor, typically sought out because of unhappiness, goal and lifestyle changes, and issues of security and safety, the counselor will begin unpacking this trauma and untangling the client from their spouse in that personal way: Setting goals to move forward and bringing awareness to the effects of any potential abuse and patterns of thinking and responding. Then, just like the lawyer would send the client to a counselor, the counselor will send the client to the lawyer to begin the legal untangling; to start the legitimate divorce.
The second step, after the attorney’s or counselor’s office, is then getting the financial professionals on board. What is most important for financial professionals is to make the client feel empowered in their capability to live life on their own (pay rent, car, note, phone bill, insurance, utilities, and so on). Part of this empowerment is really understanding their financial situation, so financial professionals will educate them on the differences between and paint a picture of their assets, debts, income, and expenses. Having this knowledge and understanding will help the client feel less lost in the legal process, too. From this place of comfort in understanding, the financial professional and the client can rake together numbers, budgets, spreadsheets, and goals and pass it all back to the attorney, who will then make child and spousal support estimates for the client and help them figure out, in conjunction with the financial professional, where the support is going to come from and the timeliness/timelines of payments between the parties. The house will be addressed in this process too. However, the parties have their own work to do: The lawyer and financial professional cannot figure anything out unless the parties are working together to figure it out for themselves, and communicating it back to their team to get everyone on the same page.
Figuring all of this out takes time. The end goal is untangling from your spouse. The path to that is created by figuring out what you need to do to get there, starting with defining what you want, and creating a roadmap to travel from that point, including potential deterrents and obstacles (metaphorical mountains, desserts, raging rivers, unexpected weather) and action plans to not let said deterrents and obstacles knock you off the board.
How do I find a collaborative lawyer?
First and foremost, you need to feel good about the attorney (and really all the professionals) that you are working with. That will always be best, but especially for collaborative work. As for finding an attorney, even if they don’t brand themselves in collaborative law, they might still be a great one to bring to the table, as long as you are on the same page with them. In other words, any lawyer can do a collaborative divorce, you just need to make sure that you communicate that is what you want AND check (with yourself and them) that they are right for the job.
This all sounds great! What are some other advantages?
The statute around collaborative divorce is written in the way that it gives the divorcing parties the ability to negotiate on their own terms, giving them their own space to work with professionals who will keep things both timely and strong. There is no forced HOC or judgment date. The parties have the authority to set their own attorney meetings, have them regulated by mental health professionals. The when and the what are determined by the divorcing couple. The advantage, then, is the authority, autonomy, and lack of rigidity.
Additionally, at the heart of divorce can be two people who do not want to be connected and who do not want to communicate, at a time that they most need to be connected and communicating. The collaborative process is still going to require communication, but with an outside perspective and focus on the needs of BOTH parties, helping to understand or even prevent communication breakdowns and emotional influences. The divorcing persons may not be getting along, but at least they are coming together to the table, backed by a team who understand their individual wants and needs, and even the nuances of the way they function as individual people, or a couple. As mentioned earlier, if at the table is the only place they want to really communicate (besides maybe texting if there is a child involved), that is fine. It’s like forcing yourself to be on your best behavior in dealing with the other party by confining conversation to happen only at the table and with your team behind you.
How do I know if collaborative divorce is right for me?
Collaborative divorce is highly appropriate for all the money related parts of divorce, such as community property settlements. Seeing those same numbers again across the board, over and over again, from one specialization person to the next, is reinforcing. It is also reinforcing to hear the same thing from different backgrounds. Don’t understand something from one person? Gain some perspective from the next. Additionally, it reassuringly demonstrates that everyone is connected and being kept on the same page because all of the information is in one, holistic place. This is also helpful in the way that you got knowledgeable people holding all of your personal things, backing you at a time of stress during which remembering things is especially hard.
On the other hand, collaborative divorce is highly inappropriate for truly abusive situations, or situations involving domestic violence, or any sort of situation involving a power and control issue. In these situations there is typically already an imbalance of power in place so collaboration would likely just break down. Individuals in these types of situations won’t typically willingly give up control or playing the powerless victim. Resources for such situations, financial and otherwise, should be allocated differently as these matters go beyond negotiation settlement and should be taken to court. The same could be argued in situations where one person has a diagnosed personality disorder, or personality traits of a disorder without a diagnosis. Such individuals may lack the ability to come to the table and collaborate, at its most basic meaning, in divorce.
Lastly and matter of factly, note that part of being “right” for collaborative divorce is for you to have all your documents (and other things) in order. So, prepare to be expected to get it together, but remember you can build a customized team of professionals to help you do this!
Resources
Laura Wasser – It Doesn't Have to Be That Way – what happens if you go into litigation?
Stuart Webb – The Collaborative Way to Divorce
Collaborative Divorce – Pauline Tessler (JD) and Peggy Thompson (PhD)
