Divorce as an Adversarial Process
In Louisiana, divorce is an adversarial process. What does this mean? It means that one party is filing a lawsuit against another party; that one person is suing the other; that one person is the plaintiff and the other is the defendant. While divorce can feel like a jointly sought after action, with the way the legislature is written in Louisiana, people cannot jointly ask for a divorce.
The nature of filing against or suing family is a rather sensitive situation because family matters are extremely personal and have deep emotional ties. So, on the outset, being served by a sheriff with papers that say “Your spouse wants to divorce you,” can feel hostile, even though there is no other way to do it. With one person at attack and one at defense, a potentially difficult climate and dynamic might be created between the spouses. Yet, they still have to deal with the day-to-day in their now transitioning homes and families, dealing with each other on various personal fronts that legislature does not reach. The laws stop before the logistical and tactical problems, such as what happens with the dog and the washing of the child’s clothes during transition from one parent to the other.
There are two discrepancies, then. One between how we want divorce to be, and to feel, and how it has to be and then does feel. Another between what the law covers and what people are left to deal with at the end of the day, as people. These are the things that must be dealt with from an emotional and compassionate place. This is why it is important to have a good relationship with your attorney. Are they helping you sift through every last grain, from legal all the way down to personal? This is also why it is important to additionally seek counseling and/or coaching, to brace yourself for the emotional and sometimes unpredictable shrapnel that comes with making these decisions on paper, and then living them out in real life.
Coaching, specifically, is it’s own unique space where your coach can hold your hand through the legal proceedings that do seem so harsh and impersonal, in whatever way makes you feel heard, understood, and like your needs are met. When things are most grueling, your coach can remind you that, regardless of how it feels, the laws are designed around you as an individual person; you just need to (and WILL) get through the flaming hoops. And reinforce the fact that it is just that: legal procedure and protocol, not an invalidation of your feelings. Additionally, your coach can make sure you are staying strong and healthy in your relationship and communication with your attorney; that you are identifying and articulating what you want and the things you do not understand.
So, the truth is that no one can take the adversarial nature and legalities of divorce, but there are certainly ways that people can make it better for themselves. It is important to stay in touch with what is important to you and what your values are (remember to value your well-being over all) and MAKE the divorce go down in line with those things. Why the emphasis on the word make? Because you do have the power. Have open conversation from the start of how you want things to be, setting a tone with the future in mind. Start off on the right foot and in the face of challenge, engage your endurance and choose to stay there! What about the way your spouse might act? Well, you cannot control the other party’s behavior, but you can always be the better person. That is, the person you want to be and be remembered as, comfortable in yourself and bigger than the petty. The bigger you are in this way, the better your outcome is going to be.
Now, there are ways in which Louisiana can get creative in changing the laws to become more personally and emotionally sensitive. In fact, some things have recently changed for the sake of getting divorce done more quickly and less adversarial feeling, per say, but the more you need to do (for example, actions regarding support and property) and the less trust there is between parties, the more adversarial it is going to get. In addition, there is the future possibility of an affidavit divorce in Louisiana, but there are roadblocks there too. So, in the end, the unhappy truth (that we hate to normalize) is that it is what is for now, for everyone. The law, regardless of its “one size fits all” design, does not fit all. Only you can reach the places that the law cannot, and be flexible where the law is not. Establish from the start the expectation that it won’t be easy and remember, without all the legislative wrapping, divorce is a major life change. Find the extra support that YOU need.
