Awareness in Communication
Communication is both verbal and nonverbal and takes place all the time, in all sorts of scenarios and relationships, whether romantic, friendly, work related, or family. It is founded in our wants and needs and is a large piece of what makes relationships both work and fail. This is a special issue in marriages and in relationships where there are children. The ending of such relationships typically come with many loose ends to tie up, requiring a lot of communication between two people who weren’t communicating well in the first place. Furthermore, there are situations, such as in the case of a child, where regular communication is going to be required for the long haul. And outside of communicating with each other, effective communication with professionals (for example, an attorney) is vital in a smooth transition into separate lives. In short, divorce or separation, which might happen due to communication issues, is a stressful time at which individuals need to be communicating the most.
Effective communication is the exchange of ideas, thoughts, knowledge, and information, presented with intention by a sender and understood by the receiver. Sounds simple enough, but there is plenty of space for misunderstandings to occur, and they happen frequently in the simple navigation of the day-to-day. Not every misunderstanding or miscommunication leads to an argument, but it certainly can, and here is why.
What we are trying to communicate always makes perfect sense to us. We know exactly what we are intending to communicate, regardless of what words we use and how we choose to present them (which I would argue that neither are completely conscious 100% of the time). We tend to automatically assume that what we are trying to communicate is going to be heard, understood, and validated. It is oftentimes the case though that the message is not received as we intended, or at all. Even if we have realistic expectations of the chances of this happening (which again are relatively high) it can still be extremely frustrating and stressful, and naturally so. It is at this point that the road of efficient communication forks. Moving in the direction of conflict is oh-so-easy and a bit tempting when we are emotionally invested (and overheated). This sets in motion ineffective communication where, in plain words, nothing but shots fired at each other are accomplished.
There are different styles of ineffective communication, which are aggressive, passive, and passive-aggressive, each of which include a different set of unproductive behaviors, or as I like to call them, battle tactics. The aggressive style of communication might use a loud and threatening voice, disrespectful language, and threatening, dominating, or controlling body language and movements. The aggressive focus is stubborn and outwardly focused. There is no compromise, and it is all about pointing the finger. The passive style of communication is soft and apologetic, seemingly weak, withdrawn, and avoidant. The passive-aggressive style of communication is exactly how it sounds: A dance on the line of in-your-face confrontation and turning their back completely. There might be the silent treatment, or mumbling to themselves rather than speaking directly to the person.
Other unproductive behaviors and patterns seen in ineffective communication are classified in John Gottman’s Four Horsemen, which Gottman himself has researched to consistently find as the biggest predictors of divorce (applicable to all relationships, I’d argue). John Gottman’s Four Horsemen, Claire and I envisioned, are like the Ringwraiths (Black Riders, Nazgul, the Nine) stomping through the shire on their giant horses; the corrupted ring bearers seeking power, wealth, and prestige over all. Similarly, the Four Horsemen ride out of the murk of our emotions in an attempt to either protect ourselves or control and conquer the conversation or other person. They hyperfocus on the bad and who is at fault, which handicaps our ability to communicate and make rational decisions. Just like the Ringwraiths, then, the Four Horsemen ride a bleak path of destruction. In divorce or separation, think about how this affects reaching agreements about the children, the house, property, finances, and so on.
Gottman’s Four Horsemen are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Criticism is attacking or putting down the other person’s personality or character. It is putting down the person, their character and being, rather than their behavior itself, which might look more like a specific complaint or critique. Criticism hurts on the receiving end, and this somehow allows for a pattern of escalation. More and more occurrences of criticism, increasing in intensity, make a path for the next horseman: Contempt. Contempt is any statement or nonverbal behavior that attacks the other person’s sense of self. Contempt is engaged with the intent to deeply insult or psychologically abuse the other person; an attempt to make them feel despised and worthless. Contemptuous behaviors might include mocking, eye rolling, scoffing, name calling, and so forth. These insulting words, gestures, or behaviors come from a place of moral superiority (simply believing that you are better than, for example believing that maybe the only person who works hard while the other person is pathetic and lazy) and are fueled by negative thoughts and beliefs about the person. Contempt has been found to be the greatest predictor of divorce.
The third horseman is defensiveness, which is typically a reaction to criticism. We engage it as an attempt to protect ourselves when we feel wrongly accused of something, or when we feel under attack. With defensiveness, we often advocate our own innocence (maybe even make up excuses) and demonstrate ourselves as the victim, hoping the other person will back off. However, all that this shows the accuser is that we are not taking the concern that is behind their accusation seriously, and that we are not taking responsibility for our actions. Sometimes we might even turn the blame around (“Why do I have to be the one to do the dishes, I know you had time today, why didn’t you just do them yourself instead of waiting around to see if I’ll do them?”). Defensiveness is tricky because the accusations might not always feel (or be) accurate. But give credit to your partner, trust that it has to be coming from somewhere, and dig deeper into that.
The fourth and final horseman is stonewalling, which is usually a response to contempt. It is the listener shutting down, withdrawing, and walking away from the conflict. Behavior here might look like acting busy or obsessively doing small distracting tasks. Sometimes, stonewalling can be an understandable tactic if the other three horsemen become too overwhelming. It happens as a result of feeling flooded, a physiological state of simply being too worked up to engage rationally. However, this can become a bad habit and can cause bad reactions, and it is not easy to stop. Rather than stonewalling, one can simply express this overwhelm and that the conversation will go much better if they can take a few minutes to collect themselves. Twenty to forty-five minutes is best for physiological soothing, but what is done during this time can make all the difference. If you spend this time brooding about how angry you are and how your partner *fill in the blank*, then re-engagement will likely just look like reopening the gates to set the horsemen running wild, starting the cycle all over again.
Awareness of these styles of communication, these behaviors and tactics, is step one in eliminating them. Being able to recognize them within your partner or within yourself can help you to avoid engaging them, to catch yourself and backtrack once you have engaged them, or respond more appropriately to someone who is engaging them against you. We always have the choice to put up our guard and stay grounded, deflect the flaming arrows that someone is shooting at us and figure out where they are coming from in the first place. Communication (no matter what it looks like) is initiated for a reason, so dig to the roots. And to avoid spiraling into ineffective communication in the first place, it might be helpful to spend some time with yourself identifying the desired outcome of the conversation, maybe even envisioning the different approaches you could take and what each might end up looking like for you and your partner. It is also important to adjust your expectations of communication: Is it about achieving the desired outcome, or is the desired outcome simply a successful conversation that led to some sort of solution, compromise, or the passing and receiving of information?
Because emotional influence is inevitable, be ready for the four horsemen (and other unproductive behaviors). Understand them for what they really are – behaviors – and approach them as such. Stand up to them when they are running at you and reign them in when they are running in your defense. Being aware of and owning your own unproductive behaviors is a productive behavior in and of itself, as it can impact how the other person responds to you and potentially break the cycle of conflict. Simply just stepping back and admitting to a communication difficulty can be a really powerful way to diffuse conflict as well. For example, “Woah, I am being so critical right now and it’s not helping us get anywhere. I’m sorry. Let me try to say this a different way.” or “I understand your frustrations but you attacking me like this isn’t going to help. Can you help me better understand where this is coming from?”
Remember that the other person has wants, needs, fears, and feelings, just like you. Recognize that people putting up walls and using weapons is a form of self-protection, when behind it all they are just desperate to express, be heard, seen, acknowledged. Though it seems counterintuitive, consider unproductive behavior as an invitation to come in. Re-open the door, knock down the wall, and leave you, your expressive needs, your perspectives, and your baggage at the door or at the bottom or the other side of the wall. Scale the wall; stand behind it or on top of it with them. What does it look like from there? What is it that they need? This can be tough. It hurts to be attacked and aggression is contagious (literally, neurologically) and can physiologically and emotionally flood us. You can’t help but get flooded but you can recognize that you are getting flooded, and then can control what happens when you do.
Resources
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work - John M. Gottman
How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It - Patricia Love and Patrick Stosny
https://www.gottman.com/ — The Gottman Institute (a research-based approach to relationships)
